For the past few years I’ve been involved with a wonderful family called the Warners. The little girl, who’s about six, was diagnosed with autism at the age of two. Her parents are so healthy about the way they think about their child and how they interact with her. They want to foster her development, but they are realistic about her issues. What they say is, “Sometimes Rachel is available, sometimes she isn’t.” When Rachel is available, she makes remarkable progress—she learns, she listens, she speaks in sentences that are spontaneous and meaningful.

When Rachel is not available, she runs in circles, she screams, she repeats the same phrase over and over. Her parents don’t react with distress or disapproval. They call Rachel’s name, calm her down, and gradually pull her back to a more attentive state. They are better at it than anyone I’ve seen. The more time Rachel is “available” the more time she has to learn, so that’s what they work for. They’ve also gotten Rachel the help she needs—occupational therapy, speech and language therapy, developmental therapy.

They don’t respond with distress or annoyance, but they’re not matyrs—they take care of themselves and enjoy their lives. They’re a model of how parents can do a phenomenal job in a difficult situation. They realize Rachel’s problem is not about them—they don’t blame themselves. They react to Rachel’s “unavailable” moments as most of us do to rain at a baseball game—it’s not something to be mad or upset about. You wait until it’s over and go on.

You can never foretell what a child’s progress will be. And you can’t ever be sure, when a child does beautifully, if it’s the result of therapy or natural development. But in this instance, my guess is that Rachel is making progress because of the calm, caring environment her parents have created for her.

One of the smartest things about Rachel’s family is that they distinguish clearly between being “available” to learn and listen to reason and “unavailable.”  All children, when they are distraught or exhausted, can slip into that “unavailable” mode.  Parents can save themselves a lot of frustration by recognizing the difference and not taking the episode personally—as a challenge to their authority or a failure on their part or the child’s. As the Warners say, “No matter what you say when she’s like this, she won’t hear it.” Accepting this, actually makes the “unavailable” time less, and helps parents and children enjoy their time together far more productively.